Monologue
by Soundless Reverie
Summary: "Hi Dad, hi Mom, hi Atsuya. It's been a while since I visited." Fubuki-centric one-shot, mentions of Gouenji and Toramaru.


**I don't own Inazuma Eleven or any of its characters. I wish I did.**

**Warning: Mentions of self-harm, homosexual realizations.**

"Hi Dad, hi Mom, hi Atsuya."

"It's been a while since I visited. Sorry about that. I just came back from Lincott Island two days ago. I've been busy unpacking and catching up with the Hakuren folks… Just mainly settling down after the a few months of leaving home."

"How are you all doing? You know, up there? I never asked because I used to think it sounded stupid, but yeah, I guess it's not as silly I thought it was. So… here I go. What is it like in Heaven? Is it like how they describe in books? White and cloudy? Do all other people who passed away fly around on wings? Did you ever meet God? Or his son, Jesus? I heard they're both amazing beings. Christianity sounds kinda interesting I guess, but I'm not really ready for any religion. It's okay with you guys, right? I hope so."

"Well, things have been really great. We won the FFI finals!"

"Inazuma Japan is now at the top of the world, Dad, Mom, Atsuya. I'm proud to be Japanese, proud to be a part of Inazuma Japan. Dad, Mom… Are… are you proud of me?"

"Did you see the matches up there? All of them, or only the finals? I'm very glad to have made all those goals. Especially the second goal against Little Gigant. Big Bang's such a cool hissatsu! But personally, I prefer working with Endou-kun or Gouenji-kun. They feel different from Kidou-kun and Hiroto-kun. That's why I like Crossfire and The Earth more, but Big Bang is still really cool. I think you'd like it, Atsuya. Eh, sorry. Am I repeating myself? I hope not."

"Oh, and before I forget."

"Here are some of this year's lavender. The field behind our house is full of them. it's beautiful. For these couple of months, there's no snow, and the world is all green and blue and golden sunlight. It's as if Hokkaido as shed its white exterior and revealed the vibrant life inside."

"I woke this morning, and I was about to come out here when I saw, behind the house, a waving sea of indigo… yeah. The lavender is indigo this year. I remember Mom's favourite colour is indigo, so I… well. I picked some on the way here. I'm putting them here. Do you like them? I think they're beautiful because it's all bright colours and fresh dew and bursting with life. It speaks of summer, I think. It speaks of a bright, clear summer in the normally cold and lifeless regions of Hokkaido."

"Another thing I want to tell you."

"I've officially stopped cutting. I never told you I started, but, yeah. If you were watching you'd know. But yeah. I've stopped. See? No new scars."

"The old scars are fading, and so is the pain. Pain is my past, and I don't intend to stay behind the present forever. Thank you again, Atsuya, for teaching me the true meaning of perfection. Thank you too, Dad and Mom, for first teaching to me the first concept of perfection, even though I twisted and distorted it and made it deformed and wrong without knowing it myself, instead pushing myself towards the impossible, and I fell from reality."

"It was Gouenji-kun who started talking to me about it. It was that evening under the bridge in Inazuma Town, when it was raining and there was thunder and I was terrified. I didn't tell you before, because I was afraid that you would be angry at me. I guess you wouldn't have been. I'm sorry if I worried you."

"Gouenji-kun was really nice about it. I almost expected him to say I was disgusting and imperfect and… and… I don't know. Gouenji-kun is very calm and collected. All the time. Even when he saw my wrist, with all those ugly crisscrossed red, bleeding lines. Even when we were about to lose a match, when we were points behind. Even when everyone was frantic and panicked. He's amazing. He's a great soccer player, and he has such a calm and composed personality. Do you see him from where you are now? How is he back in Raimon?"

"Am I talking a lot about Gouenji-kun? I… I don't know, but I think I'm jealous."

"It's Toramaru-kun. I know he's just a kid, but he just takes up so much of Gouenji-kun's time and attention that we've become so far away since the Aliea fiasco. We used to be so close… I don't know why I'm so unhappy about Toramaru-kun hanging around Gouenji-kun. He's supposed to be a very cute child but I don't know why I find him so annoying and I'm so confused I know he's the youngest of the team and I should go easy on him and let him have his way but I just always have the urge to push him away if he comes too close to Gouenji-kun I really don't know why I'm so jealous and irritated at Tormaru-kun I mean Gouenji-kun and I are just…"

"I-I mean, we're j-just f-friends and n-nothing m-more is between us…"

"… I don't know."

"…"

"Mom, Dad?"

"What is it like to be in love?"

"Is it like the state I'm in now? Missing him terribly, way too much concerned about him than someone usually does? Being painfully uncharacteristically jealous when someone else comes too close to him? Is it? Have you felt that way too?"

"…"

"I…"

"I'm so jealous that I think I might have been using someone's personality. I just don't understand myself sometimes…"

"…"

"Dad, Mom… I think I'm in love with a guy."

"His name is Gouenji Shuuya."

OoOoOoOoO

Fubuki stood up from where he was squatting on the soft summer grass, brushing bits of soil from the back of his navy shorts. He raised his head, staring out to the huge span of light green grass before him, stretching on to what seemed like infinity. At his feet was the small stone shrine he'd made a few years ago after the accident that shattered his life. He looked down at the small bunch of indigo lavender he'd propped against the stone structure. He glanced up to the clear, cornflower blue sky, glad that summer was finally here.

He faintly wondered if, Gouenji, too, was looking up into a cloudless sky, just as he was. Now he thought of it, it sounded sort of romantic, actually. Smiling slightly and suddenly very aware of the blush on his cheeks, Fubuki started his way back down the ridge, past the sea of waving indigo lavender, back into the little wooden house he lived in.

His monologue was done, for now.

End

**It's been ages since I wrote and it feels good to write something that actually comes from the heart. Reviews that are constructive and help me improve are greatly appreciated. Thank you.**


End file.
